Hikaris for Idiots
by Ruia
Summary: Hikaris for Idiots: How to turn your Hikaris revenge against themselves in two easy steps. Yami Malik and Yami Bakura discover the joys of flavored lube. Slash!Yami Malik/Yami Bakura, Bakura/Malik, (previous mentions of Yami Yugi/Yugi)
1. Default Chapter

Well, I'm writing a sequel to my dark fanfiction, and since I can't seem to reach the sap quite yet, I decided on something humorous that just wouldn't leave me alone! So, enjoy and please drop a review off when you get to the bottom!

Warnings: SLASH! (Boy-boy relationships), possible OOC, a lime-type scene, and PWP… but the concept is humorous!

Pairings: Malik/Bakura, Yami Malik/Yami Bakura, Yugi/Yami Yugi

Disclaimers: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! ::Sniffle:: I wish I did. Also, credit goes to Zelairkenprincess for giving me this idea. I also don't own that Idiots Guide to (Insert hobby/whatever here) that inspired the title.

Hikaris for Idiots

Chapter 1: How to get your Light detention in school, without ever leaving the comfort of home. Yami Malik tests his theory about how far the "bond" between Hikari and Yami extends.

"Are they ever going to tell each other they like the other?"

"Probably not. They're being shy and sweet. It's absolutely disgusting."

"Mm… I think we should do something about it."

"We _should_?"

"Yes, we should."

"Like what?"

"Well, I've been wondering just how far our connections extend…"

"You mean…You think so? Well, we've never tried it before so I suppose… You really think it'll work?"

"Yes, I do. Let's wait a few hours, when they're together, and test it out."

"A few hours? But, they'll be in- …That's evil. Let's do it!"

***

Malik stood off to the side, leaning against the wall and grumbling, watching as a group of kids played basketball. He pulled uncomfortably on his gym uniform, frowning and wondering once again why in the world he ever left Egypt to go to Domino High School, of all places.

"Good luck." Bakura smiled at him as he came off the court, and Malik blushed slightly. The groups changed, and now Malik was on a team with Yugi, Tristan, and two other boys he didn't know very well.

Tristan was the best by far of their team, though Malik wasn't a particularly bad player himself. Everyone towered over Yugi, however, and it was obvious that school sports, basketball in particular, weren't his forte.

Suddenly, a wave of warmth washed over Malik, spreading outward from the pit of his stomach to the rest of his body. He sucked absently on his bottom lip, as he oft did when confused, then gasped, wide-eyed, and let it go. It was sensitive, a tingling sensation building in it and slowly moving down the column of his neck.

"Hey, Malik? Are you okay?" Yugi's concerned voice broke Malik out of the shocked trance he was in.

"I'm fine." Malik's reply was short and just a bit harsher than he intended, but he felt vaguely irritated at the interruption.

"You sure? Maybe you should sit down. You look kinda red."

Malik shrugged, doing his best to ignore the sparks of pleasure that crept down his body towards his groin, as he stayed on the court for the last couple of minutes of playing time. Then, he sat on the sideline, next to Bakura, breathing heavier than he would normally be after such a short game.

"G-good job…" Bakura's voice was shaky; he panted out the words. His olive skin was flush, and he sat hugging his knees to the chest, shifting uncomfortably and struggling to concentrate on the game.

Malik gasped loudly, whimpering slightly, as the tingling pleasure exploded in his crotch, and several people gave him odd looks. He noticed dazedly that Bakura had a surprised, wide-eyed expression on his face, and his attention was caught by the pink tongue that reached out, continually running over Bakura's lips.

/Yami? Yami, what's going…?/ Malik tried to reach his Yami, wondering what was happening. Vaguely, he heard himself moan lowly, feelings increasing as he attempted to mentally contact his Yami. He could feel the fingers running over his chest, the silky hair trailing over his thighs, the warm, wet mouth sucking on his… Malik abruptly cut off, straining to block the connection he shared with his Yami, face heated.

It took a moment, but he managed to school his face into something resembling a glare, growling at the people who were staring at him. Not that he cared; Malik didn't really like them all that much, anyway.

"Y-you… You feel that… too?" Bakura asked, voice shaky and breathless.

"How did… Wait," Malik took a deep breath, eyes narrowed at Bakura. "That's _your_ Yami doing this?"

"Your Yami's not exactly a passive partner himself…"

"Aww, fuck." Malik buried his face in his hands, elbows digging into his knees. The pleasure washed over him, swirling around his body and resting warmly in his groin. His muscles trembled, and the ghostly breath over his crotch was gone; his fingers tingled, and his body ached for something- what exactly, he was unsure of.

"I believe that's the… idEA," Bakura's voice rose shrilly, and he squirmed in his position. "I think… I think y-YOU should…"

Malik followed Bakura's gaze to his lap, cheeks heating further, and pulled his knees up to his chest. "M-make your Yami… Stop…"

"M-make him…? What about yOURS?" Bakura was panting heavily, squirming in his seat, fingers gripping his pants tightly.

Malik glared, feeling incredibly irritable. He didn't like the way he was hot and bothered, sweaty and breathless, the way his body responded further to Bakura's flushed skin, and the way he wanted to run his tongue along it, tasting, sucking… Malik abruptly stood, shouting and pointing accusingly at Bakura.

"GET YOUR RABID, HORNY YAMI OFF OF MINE!"

Bakura blushed brightly, and Malik turned his head to notice all activity in the gymnasium had stopped. Everyone was staring silently at Malik as he stood before Bakura, very obviously aroused. He hesitated a moment, then ran out of the gym, down the hallway.

Malik heard the footsteps behind him, and turned his head to see an equally aroused Bakura chasing him. He kept running, turning the corner and continuing down the hall. Then, Malik moaned loudly, collapsing against wall, eyes closed, and lost himself in the wave of pleasure that crashed over his body, ghostly touches of a tight heat suddenly surrounding and overwhelming him.

Bakura ran into the back of him, gasping and groaning himself, and wrapped his arms around Malik. They leaned against each other, supporting each other, and Malik unconsciously ground himself back against the hard bulge in Bakura's shorts.

"BOYS! JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" They opened their eyes to see an angry, flustered teacher storming towards them. Bakura and Malik shared a look, then broke out into a run, holding hands as they raced down the hall, Malik slightly in the lead.

"STOP! GET BACK HERE YOUNG MEN!" They ignored the receding sound of the teacher's voice, skidding to a stop around the corner and dashing into the bathroom.

"What are you _doing_? ACK!" Malik barely noticed the girlish shrieks, paid no heed to the pink painted walls, or the flurry of shocked people. He backed Bakura into the wall, pushing their bodies flush together, and kissed him hard, tongue snaking out to pry the other's mouth open.

Malik tore himself away from Bakura's mouth long enough to glare at the group of wide-eyed, slack-jaw girls; they hurried out of the bathroom, and Malik locked the door behind them. Impatient with the lack of contact, Bakura ground his crotch against Malik's; he used the opportunity to flip them over, slamming Malik against the wall, and pressing their lips back together.

They kissed fiercely tongues diving into the other's mouth; it was sloppy, slick with saliva, and Malik's shoulders hurt from being forcefully smashed against the wall, but it felt good, and they clawed at each other in desperation. Fingers tangled in hair, tugging hard, and they ground against each other almost painfully, pleasure spiraling upwards and bringing them closer to release.

Malik took no notice to the loud bangs on the door, the angry voices and jingle of keys; he was so very close to the edge, and he wrapped one leg around Bakura, trying to draw him impossibly closer. The pleasure hit a peak, and colors burst behind his eyelids; he climaxed violently, gym shorts becoming sticky and wet. His body trembled, and he continued releasing, feeling Bakura reach his own orgasm.

They slumped against the wall, coming down from their high, tired and damp and wholly uncomfortable, yet incredibly satisfied. Then their little world of sex and afterglow was interrupted as the door slammed open and both were reminded rather abruptly that they were at school.

"IN ALL MY YEARS, I NEVER!" Malik turned his head to find the angry, sputtering teacher from before standing in the doorway with the janitor, their physical education instructor, the giggling red-faced girls he had kicked out of the bathroom, and a half-shocked half-amused Yugi.

Malik looked up at the teacher and the large group of people that were congregating around the door as that period ended, then down at Bakura and himself and said the only phrase that came to mind to summarize their precarious situation. "Oh, shit."

***

"Hey! Malik, Bakura, wha' happ'ned ta ya's? There're some wild rumors goin' on 'bout ya's." Joey, Yugi, Tristan, and Tea ran to catch up to Malik and Bakura as they walked home.

"Our Y-yamis… They were… a-and…" Bakura stuttered, stumbling over his words and blushing an interesting shade of red.

"You know," Malik said to Bakura casually, wrapping an arm around his waist and drawing him closer, "I never knew a person could turn so many different shades of red. And all in the same afternoon, no less."

"Shut up," Bakura muttered. The situation on the whole embarrassed him greatly, especially discussing it with the principal of the school in come-covered shorts. Bakura was rather sour that Malik only had a slight flush covering his cheeks the entire time, while it seemed that he, himself, found a new shade of red to turn every time he opened his mouth.

"So it's true?" Tea asked, completely surprised.

"It's none of your business," Malik informed her curtly, glaring. They all blinked at the iciness in his voice.

"Well, umm… I gotta go. Talk to you later!" Tristan left, and soon after Joey and Tea followed. Only Yugi remained, trotting after them, and looking up at them curiously.

"What?" Malik stopped abruptly and asked. Bakura nearly tripped as Malik's arm tugged him to a stop, but Malik steadied him.

"Oh, I was wondering… You said about your Yami…"

"Malik, Yugi has a Yami too… We should tell him."

"Tell him what?" Yugi's puzzle glowed, his Yami separating from him.

"O-oh," Bakura blushed again. "Our Yamis… They were having… Umm…"

"They were having sex, and we could feel it," Malik cut Bakura off, color rising on his cheeks. The arm around Bakura's waist tightened, and he drew the other teen closer to him.

"So it worked, did it?" Malik's and Bakura's Yamis sauntered up the street towards them, looking extremely smug and self-satisfied.

"_What_? Do you mean that you…?"

"We were tired of you toeing around the fact that you liked each other," Malik's Yami informed him. "So we decided you needed a little nudge in the right direction. What better opportunity to prove my little theory?"

"WE WERE IN CLASS!" Malik shrieked at his Yami. "WE GOT DETENTION!"

"I know."

"You knew? Why you…!" Malik glared angrily at his Yami, and chased him down the street, yelling Egyptian curses at him. Bakura grinned at his new boyfriend, waving good-bye to his two friends, and following along at a slower pace with his Yami.

Yugi watched them leave, then turned to his Yami, scuffing the ground with his shoe and peering up at him from under his blond bangs.

"Yes, Aibou?" Yami raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"Well… I was just wondering… if you… wanna go home… a-and…"

"See if that works for us too?" Yami grinned at his shy, blushing Aibou as he nodded his head. Yami grabbed his hand, running off together in the direction of the Game Shop.

Well, that's it for now! (For those of you who don't realize it, Yugi and his Yami are off to have sex now). Please review and tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

Finally! I had this for a couple of days, and I'm sorry I didn't put it up sooner, but I didn't think it was that funny. (I generally don't like what I write…) However, I've been informed it is, and as I don't want to deprive you when I got SUCH fabulous reviews, here it is and I hope you like it!

Warnings: SLASH! (Boy-boy relationships), possible OOC, a lime-type scene, and PWP… but the concept is humorous!

Pairings: Malik/Bakura, Yami Malik/Yami Bakura

Disclaimers: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! ::Sniffle:: I wish I did. Also, credit goes to Lucifer's Dark Angel for giving me this idea. I also don't own that Idiots Guide to (Insert hobby/whatever here) that inspired the title.

Thank you: Well, I had answered everyone's reviews individually before, but I accidentally erased them so… ^^;; But, seriously, a BIG thank you to everyone who reviewed! You convinced me to write another chapter! And special thanks to Lucifer's Dark Angel and iceangelalone for reading this beforehand and giving me undeserved flattery… You guys rock! :P

Note: To the people who liked Yami Yugi/ Yugi (and the reviewer who wanted a lemon) I will be writing a romance between them, so just be patient please… iceangelalone will make sure I get it out, never fear (else I'll get no Bakura/Yami Bakura! O.o)

Hikaris for Idiots

Chapter 2: How to turn your Hikaris revenge against themselves in two easy steps. Yami Malik and Yami Bakura discover the joys of flavored lube.

"W-what? You _can't_ be serious!"

"Oh, I am."

"But… that's just wrong!"

"Yeah, we lived 3,000 years ago! How are we suppose to do that?"

"Well, you're living here with me now, and I refuse to do it anymore for you. So you have to go off and learn for yourselves."

"But…"

"No buts!"

"Heh… this could be the perfect time for revenge for what they did to us."

"I don't know… it _did_ get us together."

"It also got us in a lot of trouble. Come on, don't you want to get them back?"

"…I suppose."

"All right, then, here's the plan…"

***

"Stupid Isis… making us do this…" Bakura's Yami muttered angrily, kicking the chair next to him repetitively like a spoiled child.

"Shut up, Bakura, this is all your fault. If you didn't have an overactive sex drive, we wouldn't run out of lube so quickly, and Isis wouldn't have gotten fed up with buying us more!"

"Well, I didn't see you saying no!"

"You expected me to say no? I abstained for 3,000 fucking years! Like hell I'd say no!"

"It's not like I spent those 3,000 years drinking and having wild sex either, you know. Though, come to think of it, that might've been nice…"

"Hey Bakura!"

Bakura's Yami slowly turned toward the sound of the voice, a tall, blond teen. "_What_ do you want?"

"Oh, umm… sorry. I thought it was Bakura." Joey slowly backed away from the two Yamis, sitting on the other side of the room.

"Ishtar, Yami Malik?" Malik's Yami stood up and followed the short, dull looking woman.

Bakura's Yami continued kicking the chair, now bored out of his mind without the other to talk to. He contemplated picking on a nervous looking Joey, trying to decide the best course of action to alleviate said boredom. The Yami grinned to himself, stood, then immediately sat back down.

Something didn't feel quite right. Bakura's Yami narrowed his eyes in concentration, trying to pin down the source of that odd feeling tickling the back of his mind. He ignored it as it spread through his body, following it back up, out, and straight to his…

//Aibou?// That not-quite-right feeling changed, shifted into something more, and pleasure slowly built up in the Yamis body, running over his skin and seeping deeper into him. The connection with his other half wouldn't cut off properly, and his already overactive libido merely took things one step farther with a few selective images and thoughts, leaving Bakura's Yami with a raging hard-on.

"Fuck," he swore quietly, then became angry. He was about to storm around, throw something, yell, anything, when a sudden uncharacteristic burst of reason ran through him, and a wicked, wicked idea formed in the back of his head. _'They want revenge, do they? I'll teach 'em that you can't use the same trick twice. We came up with it; did they really think they'd be able to use it against us?'_

Bakura's Yami gave a few fake, hacking coughs, attempting to catch the attention of the small group of people in the room, one in particular. He watched his target's eyes automatically seek out the source of sound through his peripheral vision and mentally grinned. Bakura's Yami carefully set his face into a blank mask, clearing his thoughts as he ignored the pleasure arcing through him. There would be plenty of time for _that_ later.

He widened his eyes in an expression of shock, then shook his head to seemingly clear the dazed, not-quite-all-there look he had adopted. Bakura's Yami frowned, appearing to be deciding something internally, before turning to look directly at Joey.

The Yami ignored the way Joey jumped guiltily and did his best to put on a mildly angered expression, which wasn't particular difficult for him. "Joey!"

The name sounded different, rolling off his tongue like that, and it didn't fit the other at all. Keeping his lap carefully out of view, Bakura's Yami continued in a serious voice. "It's my Aibou."

"Wha'?"

"He wants to talk to you. Now. He says it's an extreme emergency. You can't call, just go to his house." Then, Bakura added some extra bait. "It's about Yugi."

"Yugi? What about Yugi?"

"How should _I_ know? I really wouldn't give a damn if he was throwing up blood on the floor, dying. I only told you because my Aibou begged me to when he realized you were here."

Joey's face seemed to pale, and he stood up quickly, knocking his chair over in the process, and ran out.

Hook, line, and sinker.

Bakura's Yami smirked and slouched in his seat, closing his eyes and letting the feelings wash over him as his hand came up to massage the hardened bulge in his pants.

***

Malik's Yami nearly swerved the car off the road as ghostly touches aroused him, pleasured him. _'What the fuck?'_ His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to stay on the road like he was supposed to. If he failed the test, after all, who would buy him more lube?

"Turn left, here." The voice was monotonous and truly dull; it would have put the Yami to sleep had his forming erection not snapped him abruptly out of his dazed trance.

"Right, next. Come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Malik's Yami shifted, trying to release some of the tightness in his pants, but was unsuccessfully. _'Damn Bakura! I know my ass looks good in tight pants, but this is damn uncomfortable…'_

"Make a K-turn here." His skin tingled, begged to be touched. Pleasure rolled around in him, washing over him in waves, radiating out from his groin. His fingers gripped the steering wheel even harder, and he bit his lip hard, drawing blood, as he resisted the urge to touch himself.

"Go backwards in a straight line until you reach the cones." The Yami gritted his teeth as he looked over his shoulder, pants constricting and rubbing him as he stretched to turn. A small noise escaped him, and a throbbing sensation built in his crotch.

"Parallel park here." Malik's Yami kept his foot on the brake and let his head drop to the steering wheel. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he exerted amazing self control, and his breathing was ragged.

"Young man, are you all right?" The woman seemed unconcerned, if not a tad bit annoyed at his sudden stop.

"I'm just _fine_," he answered, angered at the woman. "I've been driving this WHOLE FUCKING TEST WITH A RAGING ERECTION! I'm HORNY and I want some, and I want some NOW!"

A string of curses in Egyptian followed, and the Yami tried to grab the remains of his tattered control so he could park. _'Then this gods forsaken test will be over!'_ Isis had refused to let him bring the Millennium Rod, saying if he didn't pass on his own he was liable to cause some accidents, so he really needed to pass if he ever wanted lube, therefore sex, again.

"There, I'm done." Malik's Yami smirked at the shocked woman as he put the car in park, turned it off, and practically flew out the door while rubbing himself, looking for his boyfriend.

***

"Bakura? Bakura!" Joey knocked on the door, but got no answered. He couldn't be bothered to wait either; what if Yugi was in trouble? He opened the unlocked door, ignoring the odd half-strangled moans completely, and just following the sound. Another one of those moans, and Joey ran. Was Yugi in a lot of pain?

"Bakura! Where's-" Joey stopped short and stared, jaw dropped.

"Don't you _knock_?" Bakura and Joey stared at each other in surprise, but Malik had no such inhibitions and immediately snarled at the intrusion.

"I-I did… b-b-but you… I-I and your Y-y-yami…" Joey stuttered, stumbling over his words. Bakura managed so bright a shade he very nearly glowed, and immediately dove for covers, disentangling himself from Malik and trying to hide his naked, aroused body.

"You what? Fuck it, tell us later. Leave, now." Malik was incredibly irritated at the moment, though modesty did prompt him to at least cover himself up.

"Err, sorry Joey… Really, we were… umm, and…" Bakura tried to apologize, but he seemed to get even redder, and Malik growled in annoyance as the two stared in uncomfortable embarrassment.

Then, he gasped as the feelings he had been sending to his Yami, came right back at him. Malik tried to tell Joey to leave, but a spark of pleasure forced it out as more of an incoherent squeak. Shamelessly, he jumped on Bakura, unable to resist, and kissed him hard.

Joey gaped for a moment, then ran out as fast as he could.

***

Malik's Yami thrust his tongue into the other's mouth, grinding their hips together hard. He was straddled over Bakura's Yami, still sitting on the chair in the room with several shocked and appalled people, but was hard pressed to care at the moment. The white-haired Yami's nails dug painfully into the blonde's sides, but he just moaned in pleasure.

"Young man! What are you doing? That's no behavior for a public place!" They ignored the man and continued grinding together.

The feelings coiled inside of the Yami, reaching upward, before bursting outward. Malik's Yami reached his climax, letting Bakura keep grinding against him to find his own release. They collapsed in each other's arms, sweaty and messy, yet incredibly smug.

"Ah… u-uh… Y-y-yami B-bakura…?"

The white-haired Yami smirked at his boyfriend. "Get off of me. I need to go take my driving test now."

***

The two Yamis stormed through the door, arms weighed down with plastic bags, and were immediately accosted by their other halves.

"What did you do _that_ for?" Bakura demanded, blushing. "How am I ever supposed to look Joey straight in the face, let alone _talk_ to him ever again now?"

His Yami shrugged. "I doubt you do anything 'straight'. Besides, it's no big deal. I never liked him much anyway."

Bakura gasped, and Malik cut in. "Look, we were just trying to get you back-"

"I know," his own Yami replied and smirked. "And it didn't work, did it?"

"Hey, you two. Where's the milk I asked you to get?" Isis walked in and eyed their bags.

"Not here," Bakura's Yami replied promptly. "Didn't have enough money."

"What do you mean you didn't have enough money? I gave you _more_ than enough to get milk and lube!"

"But Isis," Malik's Yami protested. "You never told us there was _flavored_ lube!"

"So many to choose from!"

"How could we pick?"

"So we got 'em all!" They held up the four plastic bags, filled completely up.

"This should last us a couple of days, at least." The two made their exits, running upstairs and slamming the bedroom door shut.

"Oh god," the three left said all together. There was a pause, then Malik and Bakura exchanged a glance.

"Think they'll share?" They grinned at each other and left for their own bedroom.

Isis sighed and looked upstairs, where currently two horny Yamis and two horny teenagers resided, and sighed.

"What have I done?"

**I don't know if there actually are THAT many flavors of lube, but I figured the Yamis would take what was there and clean out the entire shelf. :P

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/yugioh_slash Yes, a shameless advertisement. But it's a slash list for YuGiOh! What more could you want? C'mon, join, you know you want to!

Well, I hope you enjoyed and please drop off a review to tell me what you thought. And, as I'm fresh out of ideas, if you want this continued, I'm open to suggestions (Which will be properly credited), otherwise you might be in for a long wait… Anyway, review please!


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